HOW GOOD CAN COME OF BAD: LESSONS CHILDREN LEARN FROM MANIPULATING THEIR PARENTS
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At some point during the child rearing years, most parents become aware that their child has attempted to “manipulate” them. If the child is young, the manipulation may consist of repeated calls for stories, water, or checks for monsters in the closet at bedtime. If the child is somewhat older, the manipulation may take the form of gaining permission from one parent to do something or buy something after the other parent has said “no.” When these behaviors occur, parents may become quite distressed and perceive that there is something amiss in the parent-child relationship. In contrast, many child development experts might view the same behaviors in a different way – as tools for testing the social environment and how to react to it.
Specifically, children who are active and curious will operate on their environments (including their parents) in order to discover what will happen. When they get a consistent response, they eventually learn to predict consequences and, hopefully, increase control over their behavior. They learn what to expect when they behave in certain ways, and this knowledge leads to increased self-regulation of behavior and mastery of social situations.
Does this mean that parents should smile benevolently and respond tolerantly when their child is throwing a temper tantrum in the store in order to coerce them into buying them a toy? Absolutely not! Parents are responsible for teaching children the realities of the social world and should apply consequences that will help their children learn these realities. The key is to understand your children’s developmental needs but discipline in a way that will help them gain self-control and learn appropriate social behaviors.